OT: "Off-Topic Island"

May I also add as a celebration touch here that we have LEGITAMATELY passed the 11,000 poster mark. After Parliament reconvenes and business returns to normal after the Sanitarium closes ( possibly very soon if the NAM verifies) a day of celebration will have to be organized.From my office here in the Pharmacy of the Sanitarium, I can reflect upon the visits recently of new tourists and a return of the citizens to OTI.It is a warm and fuzzy feeling (maybe it's the Vicodin???).

The NAM   should be the new king king of OTI, no offense to ex king Mugs whose statue has already been taken out of storage and prominently displayed in the town square.

I suggest Mugs be made president, Doc of course keeps his title as Director of Parliament and I will remain as the Grand High Exalted Mystique Ruler/Director of the treasury. Of course when it comes to matters of state we should all consult the all knowing and all powerful NAM before any decisions are made. Perhaps Taffy can write a song to extoll the virtues and power of our new leader. I have already begun to write a pledge allegiance to the NAM which we can begin all government meetings with.

Taffy should now take over as the Director of immigration and Snow Man remains Director of Security.

Pending citizenship exams and papers should be fast tracked for Gris, Syos and Math.

Just my opinion.

CP

Major announcement in special extra edition of the Daily Coconut tomorrow!

docstox12 wrote:Major announcement in special extra edition of the Daily Coconut tomorrow!

The NAM should be the new king king of OTI, no offense to ex king Mugs whose statue has already been taken out of storage and prominently displayed in the town square.

I suggest Mugs be made president, Doc of course keeps his title as Director of Parliament and I will remain as the Grand High Exalted Mystique Ruler/Director of the treasury. Of course when it comes to matters of state we should all consult the all knowing and all powerful NAM before any decisions are made. Perhaps Taffy can write a song to extoll the virtues and power of our new leader. I have already begun to write a pledge allegiance to the NAM which we can begin all government meetings with.

Taffy should now take over as the Director of immigration and Snow Man remains Director of Security.

Pending citizenship exams and papers should be fast tracked for Gris, Syos and Math.

Just my opinion.

CP

Is it anything to do with the above or a separate matter? Sorry but the news media has been hounding me since the Daily Coconut leaked the news of the special edition coming.

Both the above and a separate matter.

The linotype guys in the press room are making up the front page as we speak.I have a direct line from the Sanitarium to that office.

Expect the presentation sometime tomorrow morning.

That is all.

In the headlines of a special EXTRA edition of the Island newspaper, the Daily Coconut:

Dateline OTI January 24 2016

MASSIVE BLIZZARD HITS MAINLAND
SDS SANITARIUM CLOSES
OTI PARLIAMENT RECONVENES
INVESTIGATION OF CONSERVANCY BEGINS

In a historic landmark executive action which was concealed from the OTI public, the OTI SDS Sanitarium closed on January 20, 2016 and all patients were released back to their Mainland loved ones and homes.Difficult transport logistics were carried out by direction of Docstox, Sanitarium Director, and his team of experts to facilitate the move.It was an extremely risky decision to relaease the patients even before one flake of snow had fallen on the Mainland, and had the storm not materialized , with all the newly released patients back in their Mainland abodes, mass suicide would have ensued, and massive legal ramifications would have crippled the finances of the OTI Sanitarium and Docstox' as well.The Sanitarium Director, in conjunction with OTI's group of amateur meteorologists, including Mugsy, Former King Snow Weenie based their decision to release the Mainland Patients early on a much maligned and despised weather model called the NAM ( formerly Not A Model but now called Now A Model) which accurately predicted the blizzard.The patients all arrived home in time to enjoy the storm and effect a final cure for Snow Derangement Syndrome.Unfortunately, a few far northern area members of the Mainland have been contacted for follow through therapy as the blizzard somehow could not penetrate a force field of some sort on the Mainland thoroughfare Route 84.

The Sanitarium is effectively closed and all emergency staff will resume their normal activities including Director Docstox who will return to his normal duties at Parliament.Docstox has had a meeting with the Editor here,Perry Whyte, to explain what the docket of legislation at Parliament will involve the next few weeks.

Voting will be done on making Mugsy President of OTI for his steadfast performance in the Mainland Blizzard which Parliament feels steered the blizzard right into the Mainland areas through the sheer force of his will.CP, who will resume his duties as Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler/Director of the Treasury, has found Mugsy's statue and it will be placed in a place of prominance on the Island as it is well deserved to be.Taffy, the Dutchess of Decorum will be Director of Immigration and Lord Snow begins duties as Director of Security.It was discussed that all future sessions of Parliament will begin with the new Pledge of Allegiance written by CP and the Dutchess will begin each session of Parlaiment with the OTI National Anthem.Citizenship will be granted to loyal visitors Mike (aka Math 23X7), Syos, an incredibly loyal winter weather Mainlander who feels at home here, and Gris for his priceless wit which will go far here.

In unrelated Island business but of Newsworthy note, the Conservancy of Central Park, the new official measurer of snow after the ouster of the Zookeeper, has totally dropped the ball on the one yard line concerning the official Central Park total of the blizzard.Investigations will now begin and Island representatives will be sent to the Mainland to examine the matter.

In other news, the Zookeeper, under sedation at Bellvue Hospital NYC, when hearing of the big blizzard coming, went into a hysterical fit of rage understanding he would not be there at Central Park to measure snow at what would be a historic blizzard.Orderlies were sent in to restrain him and our reporter at the scene tells us that electro shock therapy was performed on the Zookeeper by Dr. O.H.M Watt.We will try to report on the condition of the Zookeeper in future issues.

Doc the Daily Coconut puts the NY Times to shame, one because it's hilarious and two because unlike the Times you don't have to make up the stories.

This edition will be lamenated and framed and put into the OTI Capitol Hut in the entrance.

One thing however, my proposal to make the NAM the new king of OTI was not covered. Did you not deem this newsworthy or you're just not in favor? I hate to bring up the past but when I don't get my way I begin to hoard sticks, pebbles and sand for a possible revolution. Please don't make me breakaway again and form OOOTI. That was not pretty and it's a part of our past I would rather not relive.

TheConservancyCantMeasureSnow
Grand High Exalted Mystique Ruler
Director of the Treasury

CPcantmeasuresnow wrote:    

Doc the Daily Coconut puts the NY Times to shame, one because it's hilarious and two because unlike the Times you don't have to make up the stories.

This edition will be lamenated and framed and put into the OTI Capitol Hut in the entrance.

One thing however, my proposal to make the NAM the new king   of OTI was not covered. Did you not deem this newsworthy or you're just not in favor? I hate to bring up the past but when I don't get my way I begin to hoard sticks, pebbles and sand for a possible revolution. Please don't make me breakaway again and form OOOTI. That was not pretty and it's a part of our past I would rather not relive.

TheConservancyCantMeasureSnow
Grand High Exalted Mystique Ruler
Director of the Treasury

CP, in the frenetic few days of activity here on OTI I completely overlooked your OTI Bill 26.7 to make the NAM the new King of OTI.I will fast track it to Parliament and after some cursory discussion, it will be fast tracked into legislation.Give it a few days.

Would you like to chair the OTI Investigation Committee of Conservatory Undersnowmeasurement?

In a special Saturday session of OTI Parliament, it was unanimously agreed upon 100% to support Treasury director/Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler CP's "34-40 or fight" campaign on the Mainland.

All OTI resources are at CP's disposal to use in any way he should desire to attain victory.As I type this banners and signs are being put up in conspicuous Island areas which state "34-40 Or Fight".

Godspeed in your righteous campaign,CP! The whole Island has your back!!!!!!!

After the terrible stretch of mild and snowless weather  on the Mainland which shutdown all OTI business in order to staff and operate the OTI SDS Sanitarium for the poor Mainland Unfortunates, the Director of Entertainment called me the other day offering to lift the spirits of all of us here on OTI by bringing a special venue of ModelMania Wrestling for the crown of Model Master during the week of February 7th 2016.

I am informed it will be only one match, a winner take all event between the two following contestants.

In corner one will be Mugsy, our own beloved former King Snow Weenie wearing the MJO Mauve trunks and weighing in at 185 pounds, half of which is Italian Sausage.

In the other corner, wearing the NAO orange trunks with "El" and "Nino" on each arse cheek of the trunks, is Long Island Doc, famous for his outrageous Snow Angels in the middle of blizzards, weighing in at 190, half of which is Italian red wine.

Winner will be crowned Model Master in a special ceremony at OTI Parliament.

Good luck, Gentlemen!

Attention O dear Ruler.

Last night I received a knock on my door well after midnight. It roused me from a deep sleep. When I went to investigate I found a letter taped to my door. It was very concerning and ominous. It read.......

Dear Syosnow94,

I understand you correspond online with a man by the name of CPcantmeasuresnow. I have a question you should ask him. I'd like to know how he enjoyed the recent blizzard named Jonas, and especially the "total" snowfall that was measured at the park in the boro of Manhattan. Please send my regards.

sincerely,

recently unemployed

Doc, Mugsy I'm worried. I believe this letter came from the former Zookeper who was uncerimoniously stripped of his duties last year. The envelope had a happy face traced out of blood on the outside and a ticket to the Central Park Zoo on the inside. We need to prepare the troops.

Jimmy,

I have feared retribution from the Zookeeper towards CPcantmeasuresnow aka Conservancycantmeasure snow ever since the Zookeeper was removed from his post (please refer to the Daily Coconut of Dec 15 2015 in an earlier post).My fear is that the incident you have witnessed at your home could have been perpetrated by the Zookeeper himself (or more ominously, an assosciate or assosciates) working under his orders.I will have to contact my connections at Bellvue Hospital where the Zookeeper was taken and see if he has escaped.Perhaps he bribed an orderly.Keep me posted on any and all future incidents.I am refering the matter to the OTI Bureau of Intelligence.

Damn, I leave the island for a week and there's breaking news left and right. Have to catch up on everything that's gone on and I'll reserve comments for tomorrow.

I, Taffy, the Duchess of Decorum have processed all the paperwork and palm tree parchment required by the Parliament of OTI in regards to Syo, Math and Gris. They shall be henceforth naturalized citizens of Off Topic Island with all rights, privileges and coconuts they can eat.

Be advised that a song extolling our leader is in the works but Doc is oh so much more clever than I.

I also want to take this opportunity to congratulate the Snow Sniper Team in showing restraint and maturity during the last S&E storm. They showed immense courage in not taking advantage of a situation to settle all scores to our more blessed friends.

Thank you to all for your hard work.

Taffy
Duchess of Decorum
and newly appointed Director of Immigration  AKA ICE!

Beloved Dutchess of Decorum Taffy, your wishes are our command at OTI Parliament and I will personally see that the Citizenships of Syo, Math and Gris are expedited and logged.

Yes, the snow sniper team probably has 125 or more combined years of snow stalking between us and a code of discipline and honor are always maintained even in the face of coatings to an inch while LI and the Jersey Shore receive feet of snow.I do notice a drastic drop in the coconut and bananna brandy stored right near the snow sniper teams tents.Hmmmm...

I anxiously await your rendition of a song honoring your humble servant and Director of Parliament.Yes, some have mentioned my cleverness, even going as far as saying I am a real fart smeller er, I mean a real smart fella!!!

docstox12 wrote:Beloved Dutchess of Decorum Taffy, your wishes are our command at OTI Parliament and I will personally see that the Citizenships of Syo, Math and Gris are expedited and logged.

Yes, the snow sniper team probably has 125 or more combined years of snow stalking between us and a code of discipline and honor are always maintained even in the face of coatings to an inch while LI and the Jersey Shore receive feet of snow.I do notice a drastic drop in the coconut and bananna brandy stored right near the snow sniper teams tents.Hmmmm...

I anxiously await your rendition of a song honoring your humble servant and Director of Parliament.Yes, some have mentioned my cleverness, even going as far as saying I am a real fart smeller  er, I mean a real smart fella!!!

Doc I wish I had your wit and writing skills. Every time I read your posts I crack up.
   I may need to check myself in to the OTI sanitarium for some therapy if we don't get a decent snowfall soon. I suppose I'll have to leave my assault weapon at the door though. I think it would be a good idea if I did because right now I'm feeling a little on edge because of this snow deficit I'm having in my area. Now get my therapist and give me the strongest drugs you can prescribe to relieve these depressing feelings I'm having.          

Snow Man

I best prescription for your suffering and ailments are right here on OTI. I recommend our National Anthem 3x daily, aurally.

SNOW MAN wrote:

docstox12 wrote:Beloved Dutchess of Decorum Taffy, your wishes are our command at OTI Parliament and I will personally see that the Citizenships of Syo, Math and Gris are expedited and logged.

Yes, the snow sniper team probably has 125 or more combined years of snow stalking between us and a code of discipline and honor are always maintained even in the face of coatings to an inch while LI and the Jersey Shore receive feet of snow.I do notice a drastic drop in the coconut and bananna brandy stored right near the snow sniper teams tents.Hmmmm...

I anxiously await your rendition of a song honoring your humble servant and Director of Parliament.Yes, some have mentioned my cleverness, even going as far as saying I am a real fart smeller  er, I mean a real smart fella!!!

Doc I wish I had your wit and writing skills. Every time I read your posts I crack up.
   I may need to check myself in to the OTI sanitarium for some therapy if we don't get a decent snowfall soon. I suppose I'll have to leave my assault weapon at the door though. I think it would be a good idea if I did because right now I'm feeling a little on edge because of this snow deficit I'm having in my area. Now get my therapist and give me the strongest drugs you can prescribe to relieve these depressing feelings I'm having.          

SNOW, good news, I left a skeleton staff in the OTI sanitarium after the results for Jonas came in and I saw the northern HV and Eastern PA regions of the Mainland fall back into serious snow deficit territory.Go around the back and enter where the door to the maintainence area is to bypass the check in process and find a comfy room that suits you.I will make sure they hook you up to a coconut liquor or bananna Daiquiri IV Drip and provide a copious amount of winter movies for your TV with snowstorms.

Sadly, you will have to vacate your position in the snow sniper team during your hospitalization but the team will have your back and your spot will be there for you after (if) a big snowstorms hits the aforementioned snow deficit areas.My advice is to try and reason with yourself to avoid the OTI Sanitarium as these next possible snow events could produce!!!

KCACO

Your loyal Pal

Docstox

6:35 AM February 6

Anno Domani 2016

Taffy wrote:Snow Man

I best prescription for your suffering and ailments are right here on OTI. I recommend our National Anthem 3x daily, aurally.

Absolutely perfect choice Taffy!!!! Nilson schmilson,LOL!

Makes me want to put out a lawn chair in the hot sun, have a Margarita and fire up a cigar.

We will play this before each meeting of OTI Parliament after the OTI Pledge of Allegiance which Treasury Director and Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler CP is SUPPOSED to write.That is, if he can tear himself away from micro-managing the Conservancy snow measurements on the Mainland.(a lost cause if I ever saw one,LOL)!

I present to you oh great Director of Parliament the OTI pledge of Allegiance.

I pledge allegiance
To OTI
Of the Off Topic Island Republic
And to former King Mugs
And the Queen he bequeathed
One Island Directed by Doc
Indivisible except by CP
With Snowman and Taffy for all

Amen

BTW - I love the song. Our Island is united as one.

CPcantmeasuresnow wrote:I present to you oh great Director of Parliament the OTI pledge of Allegiance.

I pledge allegiance
To OTI
Of the Off Topic Island Republic
And to former King Mugs
And the Queen he bequeathed
One Island Directed by Doc
Indivisible except by CP
With Snowman and Taffy for all

Amen

BTW - I love the song. Our Island is united as one.

Parliament unanimously ratifies the Pledge of Allegiance and with the new National Anthem, makes another great stride in becoming a noted world entity.

A week of celebration is now planned with some of our incredible budget surplus, the result of Treasury Director CP's astute stewardship, being used to finance entertainment, food and drink.

I sit back and reminisce on the history of OTI and just how far we have come.We have provided shelter and refuge for desperate Mainlanders seeking solace and have provided jobs for many here on the Island.I thanks the Founding Fathers and Mothers of our fine Island for providing me with the experience of a lifetime.I raise my coconut brandy and toast to an extremely cold and snowy period on the mainland (especially N and W,LOL)!

We at OTI Parliament have always dedicated ourselves to the oath of total transparency, unlike many other countries Administration.Following is a transcript for all OTI Citizens and Mainlanders:

OTI Parliament opened for business February 19th Anno Domani 2016 10 AM with the CP Pledge of Allegiance and Taffy's national anthem. The Most Reverend Dr. Sandy Beech said a short prayer for the welfare and benefit of our Island.

Docstox opened Parliamentary discussions with an urgent announcement by the Director of the OTI Institute of Technology.It appears that some wealthy one percenters in the North and West areas of the Mainland have agreed to magnanimously fund various research chairs in the Meteorological Area of the OTI Institute of Technology for the following purposes:

1) The NW Anti-Anti Virga Society has agreed to endow a research grant to try and find a scientific reason why in areas of the N and
W, nary a flake of snow was noticed even with bands of heavy snow appearing on the radar for hours.

2) "Break the Hudson River Force Field" league of Snow Lovers agrees to fund a project to try and scientifically reason why recent snow storms have refused to come west of that river.Balloon and rocket tests have been mentioned to try and gather data on this most unusual phenomena.Docstox talked with one of the members of this league and he reports they have plans to pave the Hudson River to eliminate this.

3)The Northern most Mainland Members have agreed to finance a project that will co-operate with the Hudson River Project.This will be the Guild for the Re-Routing of Route I-84. It appears that Route I-84 in the Hudson Valley of New York has absorbed the tendency of the Hudson River to totally block snow from passing above it.The Guild wishes to re-route Route I-84 away from their area so this phenomena will not continue.

Parliament will work in co-ordination with the Institute in faiclitating these projects.


The other order of business discussed that day was the sombre and indeed sad report from Emperor Frank's own Meteorological Institute on the Mainland which now has preliminary stated that the winter of 2016-2017 could possibly parallel this current winter on the Mainland.

As such, we here at OTI will set aside a large reserve of our coconut-bannana currency (yes, good people, the money DOES grow on trees here) to set up an emergency fund for the OTI Sanitarium for the Snowless so we do not get overwhelmed by the masses from the Mainland like this season.We feel it is best to be pro-active in this matter.

Session of Parliament ended with the firing outdoors of an OTI cannon with a coconut.

If there are that many left over funds dear ruler, I say we commission some of our smarter scientists from the island to create a new OTI weather model. This model will run every 4 hours and will constantly and consistently show gigantic storm emanating from the Gulf Of Mexico and tracking very slowly up the east coast to a position about 100 miles east of Atlantic City. From there the OTI model will slowly move the storm to a position west of Cape Cod Ma. There will also be a 1040 high pressure in perpetuity shown over Quebec. This will serve to promise us roidzilla storms on a constant basis for all mainland members of our OTI while also and equally importantly turn Boston Massachusetts to rain.

syosnow94 wrote:If there are that many left over funds dear ruler, I say we commission some of our smarter scientists from the island to create a new OTI weather model.  This model will run every 4 hours and will constantly and consistently show gigantic storm emanating from the Gulf Of Mexico and tracking very slowly up the east coast to a position about 100 miles east of Atlantic City.  From there the OTI model will slowly move the storm to a position west of Cape Cod Ma.  There will also be a 1040 high pressure in perpetuity shown over Quebec.  This will serve to promise us roidzilla storms on a constant basis for all mainland members of our OTI while also and equally importantly turn Boston Massachusetts to rain.  

"The Great and Powerful Docstox has heard your request and has every intention of honoring it!" (pay no attention to the man behind the curtain).

OTI governmental staff and workers have made a request as a result of the record warm conditions on the Mainland this winter to shut down OTI for the season April 1 this year instead of the usual closure date of April 15th.Our opening date of October 1st may be pushed back to November 1st this year should these warm conditions and Super Hellnino conditions persist at that time.

From April 1st on, only very occaisional reports, if any, will be made as OTI is a seasonal operation that exists solely for the purpose of serving Mainland visitors from Oct or Nov 1 through the winter.We hope we have done our part to assist you Mainlanders during this winter season.

We are hoping for one last major winter event before April 1 even thought the prospects for that are rapidly declining.If this event should not materialize, we here at OTI Parliament including myself, and all of us here at OTI serving you with a smile, we wish a healthy and happy Spring, Summer and early Fall, and with God's Grace, will be hopefully seeing you all come opening day.

Well Doc what if we get an April 1982 redux and get a big snowstorm during that two week period. Even the following year with the Super El Niño NYC had measurable snow well past April 15th, specifically on April 19th. And after February 19th, 2014, CP did not have any measurable snow at his house the rest of the month and all of March, keeping him at 69.9" on the season. Then after a very warm weekend, a sharp cold front gave him 1.5" of snow, a miracle for him. Basically, if that April snowstorm happens, it will appear in the Daily Coconut every day until at least next fall. I'm not sure if Parliament would want that to happen.

Math23x7 wrote:Well Doc what if we get an April 1982 redux and get a big snowstorm during that two week period.  Even the following year with the Super El Niño NYC had measurable snow well past April 15th, specifically on April 19th.  And after February 19th, 2014, CP did not have any measurable snow at his house the rest of the month and all of March, keeping him at 69.9" on the season.  Then after a very warm weekend, a sharp cold front gave him 1.5" of snow, a miracle for him.  Basically, if that April snowstorm happens, it will appear in the Daily Coconut every day until at least next fall.  I'm not sure if Parliament would want that to happen.

Mike, as a most respected Citizen of OTI, I myself treasure your input and opinion.Your analysis could very well play out, but as a player of the "sport of Kings" at the OTI Coconut Downs Track, I would give that scenario you describe above a 50:1 shot to play out after this almost "warmest ever since the beginning of time" winter on the Mainland.As you stroll around OTI, you will notice the various news kiosks set up in strategic places.Our citizens and staff read the Mainland papers and article after article have been printed describing this warm phenomena.As such, the citizenry is clamoring for an early closure of the Island and, daresay, I must go along with the majority opinion in this case.I have gone to the OTI Bureau of Meteorology and find that Mainland temperatures next week, the first week of March, are up in the 40's.

Lastly, it appears that information has been leaked to me via my unsecured e mail that the deposed Zookeeper has put a curse on the Hudson Valley NY, where the Zookeeper's nemesis CP, lives, and this curse has resulted in a horrendously low total for snow in that area so far.Could the Zookeeper have been involved in the Anti-Virga scandal and the Hudson River/ I-84 anti snow force field incidents? Investigations are underway and perhaps a report will be forthcoming before the Island shuts down.Then again, maybe not.......! LOL!